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dad, i want you to be ashamed of me - μπαμπα, θέλω να ντρέπεσαι για εμένα
sam albatros
“Maybe shame is what you feel when you start to truly get to know someone. When perfection makes room for our human side—what you love with all the mistakes they have made or will make. Because it’s the human part we seek. Perfection is for strangers, for celebrities on TV. For those who are never really part of our lives.” — Excerpt from the novel dad, i want you to be ashamed of me.
Dad, when Roland Barthes’ beloved mother passed away, he began keeping a journal of her absence. If you were to die tomorrow, Dad, I wouldn’t be able to do the same for you. We’ve already been absent from each other’s lives for years now; how could I map your absence? All these years, we’ve never managed to truly become father and son. That’s why I’m writing now, hoping it’s not too late. Dad, I wish we had something to lose, something that time would be able to take away from us.
I remember so clearly that day when you said, “Make sure that whatever you do, your dad is proud of you.” In my attempt to make you proud, Dad, I’ve hidden so many things from you. Now you have this perfect image of me, and I’m terrified of breaking it. Because I want you to be proud, not ashamed of me. No one else has ever believed in me, Dad, and I don’t want to lose that one person in the world.
Maybe I’ve been wrong all these years, trying in every way, consciously and unconsciously, to appear… like the perfect child for you. Yes, I’m insecure. I was. I can finally admit it. No one is to blame but me. It’s time to talk, for you to know everything. Even if it means you’ll end up ashamed of me. You know what?
Dad, I want you to be ashamed of me. Because there’s no other way for us to truly know each other, unless it starts from zero. It means that you’re still alive, that we can make up for the lost time.
Maybe shame is what you feel when you start truly getting to know someone. When perfection gives way to the human, to the one you love with all their mistakes, past or future.
Because it’s the human we want, Dad. Perfection is for strangers, for celebrities on TV. For those who are never really part of our lives. (From the edition)
sam albatros